Thursday, June 12, 2008
Relationsip Magic by Edyth Denkin
Relationship Magic invites you on a journey that moves away from childhood habits of reacting and moves towards gaining control of your personal power. Enjoy the tale of Prince James and Princess Cinda while you learn the basics of Imago Relationship Therapy. This couple, and their mentor, teach you how to be your own best friend rather than your worst enemy. Relationships bring out unconscious behavior learned in childhood. James and Cinda take you into their lives and show you how you too can develop lasting love. Acquire awareness of how your reactions can help your partner feel loved rather than re-wounded by old childhood issues.
Relationship Magic has been written as a tribute to Imago Relationship Therapy and Harville Hendrix, its founder. The genius of Imago Relationship Therapy is acquiring the ability to not take what is said or done personally through developing the skills needed for intentional dialog.
While each of us wants to feel like a prince or princess, we cannot do so without developing the necessary skills to find gratitude within and the ability to recognize the magical moments in our relationships. This is difficult, indeed, as we all must live in the reality of every day.
Intentional dialog is the tool that Harville Hendrix brought to marriage and is what brings relationship magic into our lives. After twenty-five years of experience in Imago, I have seen many couples that have acquired the ability to dialog and empathize with their partner’s point of view—but rarely do so. They say, “It is not natural,” “People don’t talk that way,” “It takes too long to talk that way,” “You cannot really express yourself,” etc. So instead, they continue to argue and feel frustrated and unloved by talking in same manner they learned as children. No wonder they believe they have lost the magic.
The sacred truth is that although each of us dreams like a prince or princess, we find that we have to live in our daily reality. And when we are not doing the work in the marriage, the kingdom is not magical. Although the secret to happiness is to enjoy the moments, we also must want to feel happy to do the work creating them.
Cinda and James' fairytale is representative of typical events in the lives of the hundreds of couples I have helped over the past twenty-five years. In the beginning, when their relationship brings them so many magical moments, they look forward to spending the rest of their lives together, and they commit to marriage. But after the first few years, the same criticism, blame, and shame they absorbed from their parents begins to creep into their lives. Because they unknowingly bring the same negative energy of their childhood wounds into their marriage, they find they are repeating similar patterns of their parents that they swore they would never do.
Luckily for them, they find Satori with whom to study and learn. He teaches them their most valuable lesson: developing the skill of intentional dialog. From this experience, they develop the ability to not take what the other says personally. You see, Satori teaches them that when they are criticized or blamed, they are brought back to their childhood where all they wanted was to please mommy or daddy but found they could not do so. By dialogging with their chosen partner today, they become aware that they are not children anymore and learn how to stop taking what happens personally. Instead, they learn that what is said is not about them.
Readers watch as James’ and Cinda’s adult realizations free them from being victims and allow them to feel and enjoy the many new moments each day brings. Therefore, our tale teaches readers how to empower themselves. They watch as Cinda and James develop consciousness of the daily signs in their lives, and by so doing, their newly developed awareness brings them to learning how to not repeat what happened when they were children. Cinda’s and James' knowledge helps them use the bad that happens to create good moments, rather than become victims of each other.
Enjoy, also, reading about Woodrow, Satori’s friend and companion. This little dog is the model of what every relationship needs to thrive and grow… unconditional love and acceptance. Woodrow interacts with and teaches James and Cinda how to love without criticism or blame.
In the end, you too can receive the unconditional love and acceptance that you have craved all of your life but could not get as a child. And you too will learn how intentional dialog can become your best friend and trusted adviser.
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